Here we Go with my Life.

So I am now 38 weeks and 2 days pregnant.  It's been a much easier pregnancy than with my first, Jayson, but I am much farther along than I was when we lost him.  Brooklyn is going strong and each doctor visit shows how well she's doing.  I am tired and hurt all over but happy to be healthy and have an outstanding baby growing.

With all this greatness I feel I shouldn't have to deal with what I am dealing with now.  My father went to jail for molesting me.  I was eight I had to go to court, I had to tell all those grown up's every last ugly detail and he was sentenced for 15 years.  He just recently got out and on my birthday, August 10, all his restrictions where lifted.  He can come to my home town now.  He can contact me if he wants.

I find that one of my siblings are willing to communicate with him.  While I want nothing to do with him at all, they find they want to.  I will never deny either of them of this, and will not hold it against them for wanting to know what ever they want to know.  But I find it hard to keep my life private from him.  Though many of his family members, that I have had nothing to do with for years, have found ways to find out details of my life and I know they are giving it to him. Where I trust my siblings in not giving details or even speaking of me to him, I know these other members are.

He has no right, in my mind, to know anything about me.  He has no right to be anywhere close to me or my family I am trying to make.  Yet here I am hiding out at my husband work on pins and needles because my mother has informed me that he is here in my town meeting with people at some local restaurants. 

People are telling me not to worry that he doesn't want to do anything to hurt me or get in trouble.  That he doesn't want to upset me.  That him informing my mother is a good sign and that he is doing the right thing so that I don't accidentally run into him.  What do you think will happen if I see this man face to face?  You know I will be upset, but still try to comfort me with this.

Let me say that I am not comforted.  All I can think is that I am bringing a little girl into this world where a man like that walks around.  That I will forever have to rely on my mother to inform me where he is so that I wont ever have to see him and my daughter will never have to see his face.

How do I explain to my little girl why mommy is hyperventilating at the local Walmart?  How do I explain to my husband how I don't want him to touch me right now because I can't stop having flash backs?

All I want is to give birth and move on with my life.  How can I do that when I'm scared to leave my house?  I'm doing what I can I'm trying to be strong, God give me the strength.

Promise Walk

I lost my first child at 26 weeks in my pregnancy.  I had developed sever preeclampsia and the only way to save my life, and give my little Jayson any chance was to deliver right then.  Unfortunately my blood pressure had been to high and my baby had to much damage to survive.  It is the most devastating thing I have ever had to go through in my life.  My family and I continue to morn and do everything we can to remember Jayson.  One of the ways we have been able to cope being active with the Preeclampsia Foundation. The organization raises money to help with research and spread of word of this deadly disease.  This past weekend we walked to raise money and we made over 600!

Our Gender Reveal Party!

We decided to have a little fun with announcing what gender our baby is:

We had a lot of fun with our guest. Our sono tech said she was 99% sure of the sex and my hubby was not convinced.  So we put up our sign like this.  The guest had a lot of fun with our set up.

We strung up the sono pics on a string across the front, of course not any that showed what our baby was.  Divided the table for a girl and a boy.  We had clothes pins that where pink and blue and had the guest where them.  I also set up a jar for the guest to give us nursery themes.  I found a really cool idea on pintrest for Dr. Suess and went with that.

I also set up a poster giving clues so guest could make a guess.

Also set up our door.

Then we went outside, gave our guest silly string (color was hidden) and let balloons go. Everyone had a blast!

We had a ton of fun announcing our baby girl Brooklyn Makayla.

My name is Michelle Stewart:

I'm here to speak about my life and experience's.  All I know is that I've been through what I have to become who I am.