So I am now 38 weeks and 2 days pregnant. It's been a much easier pregnancy than with my first, Jayson, but I am much farther along than I was when we lost him. Brooklyn is going strong and each doctor visit shows how well she's doing. I am tired and hurt all over but happy to be healthy and have an outstanding baby growing.
With all this greatness I feel I shouldn't have to deal with what I am dealing with now. My father went to jail for molesting me. I was eight I had to go to court, I had to tell all those grown up's every last ugly detail and he was sentenced for 15 years. He just recently got out and on my birthday, August 10, all his restrictions where lifted. He can come to my home town now. He can contact me if he wants.
I find that one of my siblings are willing to communicate with him. While I want nothing to do with him at all, they find they want to. I will never deny either of them of this, and will not hold it against them for wanting to know what ever they want to know. But I find it hard to keep my life private from him. Though many of his family members, that I have had nothing to do with for years, have found ways to find out details of my life and I know they are giving it to him. Where I trust my siblings in not giving details or even speaking of me to him, I know these other members are.
He has no right, in my mind, to know anything about me. He has no right to be anywhere close to me or my family I am trying to make. Yet here I am hiding out at my husband work on pins and needles because my mother has informed me that he is here in my town meeting with people at some local restaurants.
People are telling me not to worry that he doesn't want to do anything to hurt me or get in trouble. That he doesn't want to upset me. That him informing my mother is a good sign and that he is doing the right thing so that I don't accidentally run into him. What do you think will happen if I see this man face to face? You know I will be upset, but still try to comfort me with this.
Let me say that I am not comforted. All I can think is that I am bringing a little girl into this world where a man like that walks around. That I will forever have to rely on my mother to inform me where he is so that I wont ever have to see him and my daughter will never have to see his face.
How do I explain to my little girl why mommy is hyperventilating at the local Walmart? How do I explain to my husband how I don't want him to touch me right now because I can't stop having flash backs?
All I want is to give birth and move on with my life. How can I do that when I'm scared to leave my house? I'm doing what I can I'm trying to be strong, God give me the strength.
